I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
