i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
