Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
