I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
