drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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