that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
