So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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