if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just invented taco cereal.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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