last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
