After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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