I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
