Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize