I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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