I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
