My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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