I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize