My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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