Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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