Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
