I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
