Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
