My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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