Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
