This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend