Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
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bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
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I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.