He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!