you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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