My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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