my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
