fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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