I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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