Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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