I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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