I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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