so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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