there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
