in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
