i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
