And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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