apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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