Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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