When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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