i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
