just tell him i said nine months
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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