When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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