I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
