I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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