I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
