I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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