Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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