I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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