I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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