I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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