I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
