omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He did a backflip because drugs
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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