this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
