he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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