saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
