Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
